Just for a little bit of Friday fun, I bring you the news that friend of the blog Mike Weatherley MP has apparently joined forces with a well known chain of coffee houses to create a competition called ‘Rock The House’. The competition is aimed at unsigned bands and one of the prizes will be to play a live set at the House of Commons. The mind boggles, but details (complete with a quote from “Nietzche” (sic)), if that’s your bag, are here.

It seems fairly obvious to me that this will be a great opportunity for the blog’s nascent house band, The Naughty Steppers, to unleash their peculiar blend of legal geekery, obscure indie tunes and occasional hip hop “beats” on an unsuspecting legislature.

Therefore it is with great indifference that I present to you the lyrics to Rock Da House, a rap epic which I’m sure you will agree is totally ace (or not, tastes and critical acumen may vary):

Accurate reporting of the law is essential,

Landlord and tenant basics, well they’re elemental

That may strike you all as the modern heresy

Especially if you’ve heard much from Mike Weatherley

‘Cos he’s got beef about squatters in the house

He likes to get in the press to have a good moan and grouse

About the problems if you have to evict a squatter

The longer he complains, the more the air gets hotter

Even though he got told about the real legal situation,

In his book that doesn’t beat political inflammation.

The reality is that those police, they ain’t powerless

They can do plenty if they choose, there’s no need to stress.

Or you could go to court and get a nice IPO,

That’s “interim possession order” – donchaknow?

Follow the procedure and upgrade that to a final

All you need is backbone, yeah I’m talking Spinal

Tap, they were like a joke band just like us

But we’ve got truth, that’s why we bring da ruckus

I’ll admit it, this stanza’s a diversion

While I’m drinking your wine, oops, is that conversion?

Abstraction of electricity, breaking and entering,

There’s plenty of legal tools… no need for tinkering

Or messing unduly with the current legal framework

Unnecessary legislation is the hallmark of a real jerk.

When you get a possession order the bailiffs will enforce it

They’ve got an attitude that really just won’t quit

Although they’ve got to face up to some fresh regulation

(depending on the outcome of MOJ consultation)

I know that some of you like to bear a grudge,

Let me tell you ‘bout my DJ … yeah, I mean District Judge.

He’s got robust case management powers

That he’ll use to stop a case going on for hours

And hours or better yet, days, weeks, months, years,

The Civil Procedure Rules are sure to allay your fears

If you get wound up by litigious excess

It still beats self-help, which will end up in a mess

If the worst happens they’ll beat you black and blue,

That’s Black Tower, Blue Nun – fine wines to me and you.

Legislate in real haste, repent in the Supreme Court

As domestic judicial bodies go, it’s the last resort.

The trouble is ol’ Mike thinks we’re all too ovine

Maybe it ain’t the squatters really drinking your best wine.

Now the time’s come to bring this rap to a conclusion

‘Cos it seems I’ve run out of words that rhyme.

See you down the front – we’ll be the ones wearing volumes of the Housing Encyclopedia on chains, instead of car hood ornaments.