My occasional attempts to get cheap laughs at the expense of passing bewildered internet searchers are getting more difficult. Virtually all of the search terms that have brought people here recently are legally related and most even make sense. I hate it when the lazy blogger’s fall back turns into hard work. So, if you detect any sense of strain in this, should the frantic feet of the serene swan become apparent, be gentle, because I’m doing it for you.

Fortunately, the odder or more hopeless of the searchers come in thematic waves

1. The fixated

shiny shorts

Yes, but only through sitting down a lot. My G.A.Y. days are over.

father

No. Not unless I have a horrible dark secret.

spanking part 1

Part 1? I mean spanking is all well and good between consenting adults, but with an interval? Do you have a g&t and discuss the performance so far? Or just sit in awkward silence pretending to read the programme. ‘Oh I see that that the table tennis bat plays a much larger part in act 2’?

irish hobby horse

I don’t think that this is to do with Tristram Shandy, because next question is…

irish dominatrixes

It’s the red hair and freckles that they dream of in the gimp mask.

dominatrixes of the world

Tired of freckles, he now wants them bestriding the continents, with their PVC leggings chafing the equator.

I’m all for human variety, but sometimes I wish it didn’t end up at this blog. I only get confused.

2. Trouble with the law

legal revenge on neighbours

Again! Let it be or it will surely end up in the Magistrates Court.

justice for litigants in person

Topical but may be related to the next question…

claim struck out can i start again

Nope. What the hell do you think the law is actually for, really? At least have the decency to bring a doomed and hopeless appeal.

pipex notice of copyright infringement rush hour 3

Or the definition of pathos. Of all the films to be done for downloading…

joint tenant court case death divorce

I’m just hoping this isn’t an either/or question.

3. Access to the law

can my mother get legal aid

Maybe, but motherhood per se is not a qualifying state. I’m assuming google doesn’t actually know your mother’s income, but hey, these days…

The next two questions are a sample of five incoming variations on a theme…

what type of help at court can i expect from community legal service funding regarding a housing injunction

what type of legal help can i expect from community legal service funding regarding a housing injunction

Sadly for this determined seeker, I think the answer is ‘depends’. Are you on the receiving end, or seeking to bring a personal injunction? Are there any related criminal proceedings or ASBOs? In any case, you’ll need to find a legal aid solicitor to actually apply for public funding. There are still a few of us.

how do you actually claim legal aid

Leave it to the solicitor, really. Frankly, it is a painful process and you won’t get it without a solicitor anyway. Consider it one of the many ways in which we try to make your life easier.

chambers barristers one stop shop

Now there is an idea. A Myspace of Counsel, perhaps, or an Amazon of the Bar, with customer reviews. “I was disappointed that barrister X had both a chin and a trace of a northern accent. Frankly this was not what the brochure had led me to expect. I eagerly awaited being patronised, and finding my concerns sensibly addressed was, I felt, poor service. And their coffee was weak. Two stars”

4. Becoming a lawyer, or not

does finishing lpc make one a lawyer

Dream on. It’s not like those poncy ‘non-practising’/couldn’t get pupillage barristers you know.

what happens after the lpc

Depends. Hopefully, at some  point, a traineeship. Otherwise, have you considered media sales?

i need an lpc licence but can t pass the test for counseling can you help

Eh? and no. And whatever this is, should you have the licence without the counselling test? It sounds, you know, quite important.

4. Life as a lawyer

what is anor in legal terms

A short legal career.

if a slicitor has been lied to by his client can he drop him

Did they lie about paying the bill?

housing law made easy

I do my best, I really do, but it isn’t. Sorry.

5. History

when was lambeth settled

It never has been and still isn’t.